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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Effective January 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financiallyand therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad toallow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

11 comments:

jax said...

Is this the Budget cuts thing I sent you? I think it's funnier with the pictures! You should try to put them on here!

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Gosh, that's GREAT! Are you sure you've never worked for BellSouth (the employees dubed it HellSouth before it became AT&T)?? HAR HAR ♥ ∞

Tea Time With Melody said...

No, it's not the budget cuts that is something else.

Cindy ~ My Romantic Home said...

Haha! that is so funny!

Michelle said...

Ha! I think these are the same rules where I work! :)

GrandmaK said...

These are soooo funny. Have a grand day! Cathy

Terrie's Lil' Piece of Serenity said...

I just bumped into your blog at Cielo's. I am glad I came by. I love your blog. This posting is too cute!!

CIELO said...

Funny! What I really want to do is NOT having to go to work and dress or not dress at all, if I please.... can I be out in the garden like Eve in her Eden's garden every day???? Ahhhhh!

cielo

Lavinia said...

Funny! By the way, I've given you an award over at the birdbath....

Here, There, Elsewhere... and more said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving ma a kind word...
Brilliant post - so, so funny - I'd love to pass them (when I get back from my trip to London) on via my blog with a link to yours, is that OK with you..?
I'll go ahead, obviously, only if it's OK with you..:)

Ginger said...

Hi Melody:
The list of rules for work is hilarious. I love the personal days....Sat. and Sunday. LOL.
Glad I'm not working any more.
Ginger

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